I just watched this TED Talk,
and it got me thinking about fear and how Phantom of the Opera shows how to
face fear.
As a kid, I was obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. Every
trip to the library, I would get a new book and the Phantom of the Opera
soundtrack, and I would play that sucker on repeat until I had to take it back.
For my 9th or 10th birthday, my grandma gifted me a book
that included all the sheet music and pictures from the live performance; and
one Halloween, I dressed up as Christine.
Until I saw this TED Talk, though, I never realized the
lesson in the story. I may have picked it up subconsciously, hence my love for
all things spooky, now. But Christine’s journey with fear had never occurred to
me. Now, I realize that I’m more like Christine than I thought. I have my own
phantoms lurking in the back of my mind, singing me dark lullabies that keep me
awake at night and control my every move. These phantoms keep me from opening
my heart completely and enjoying the feeling of vulnerability with those I know
I can trust. They keep me from taking big risks in my life in order to fulfill
my dreams. They keep me from enjoying friendships as they are, not how I expect
them to be. They even keep me from eating certain foods for fear of choking or
puking.
In college, I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
for the first time. In that book, it talked about facing and conquering fears
in order to live more authentically, so I sat down in the school library and
made a list of every fear of mine that I could possible think of. The list went
from irrational fears like spiders and the dark to rational fears like losing
loved ones and pregnancy. One by one, I faced those fears in the best way I could
think of. I self-actualized until I completely understood myself and became
more confident with who I was at the time; and, as a result, I became bolder
and more willing to live by the seat of my pants.
But then, life went on. I left school and my old faith
behind in a single motion. I was ready to live a new life—my own life—but I
still wasn’t sure what that entailed. I just knew that things needed to change
drastically. I was also hyper-aware of the naïve, sheltered life that I had led
up to that point, which is where the fear started setting in, again.
As time went on, I spent all my energy learning about all
the things I had never allowed myself to look at: different religions, sex,
rated R movies, cursing, drinking alcohol—I wanted to experience the side of
life I had always viewed from the outside with curiosity. As a result, I gained
new hobbies and interests, met people I would have never talked to as a Mormon,
and had experiences I had only seen in the media up to that point. But I also
got my heart broken quite savagely, my depression never left my side, and now I
had a whole new list of fears that I was suppressing.
But my fear didn’t reach its peak until sometime in 2014 on
a typical work day at my retail job. I was in the back of the store working on
a project alone, drinking my morning coffee and eating a granola bar, when my
throat suddenly dried and closed up without any warning. For what felt like two
minutes (it was probably only about 10 seconds), I scratched and clutched at my
throat, stomped my feet, paced anxiously, desperately trying to get a small
breath in. I was alone and didn’t know what someone else could even do for me
in that moment. It was pure panic, something I had never experienced before;
but, unfortunately, it was only the beginning of a series of panic attacks that
would continue for months.
After those months, I became a mouse. I always have a water
bottle handy in case of dry throat; and if I can’t take a water bottle into a
place, I’m not fucking going. I’m much more antisocial, now, to the point of
being a little agoraphobic. And I’m terrified of having any responsibility for
my future because I don’t want to fuck it up. Next to these fears, anything
Stephen King writes is a walk in the park (no offense to Mr. King, of course;
he’s the Stevie Nicks of horror). Who cares about spiders when my life feels
like it’s spinning out of control, and I have no idea how to stop it?
But here is where I come back around to Phantom. As is
mentioned in the TED Talk, Christine had to make a decision when unmasking the
phantom: love or fear; fight or flight. She chose to fight that fear and show
love to the embodiment of those fears. She’s not in love with that embodiment of fear, that’s steering into
unhealthy territory; instead, she shows the phantom compassion, showing him
that she’s not afraid of him, anymore. Therefore, he can no longer control her,
and she can now live her life however she decides. She no longer needs that
angel or demon to accompany her every move because she knows that that fear can
expire just as easily as she can.
I feel like this is the key to my fears. Someday, I’ll die.
When I die, will I look back and be glad for my life or will I be soaked in
remorse? It’s up to me, right here and now. Fuck my fears. They’re weaker than
I am, more short-sighted than I am. It’s about time I hop on that boat with my
love and feel the warmth on my back while my fears burn behind me.
Stay spooky.
